I just followed a trail of feathers and glitter to class. Today better be fucking magical.
I hate the hobo that sits outside our building
Joe or Chris?
do i even wanna kno y u kno their names?
well i came home drunk one night and Chris offered me a beer as i was coming in, it was kinda weird but i wasn't goin to deny a free beer. you're proolly talkin about Joe though, he's the one with the fucked up eye.
I'm pretty sure I saw a man standing on a table with no shirt on getting sugar thrown at him while "pour some sugar on me" blaring while the cops were in the house.
I just inadvertently flirted with my coworker's 20-year old son. I've known him since he was 14, yet suddenly he looked different.
You are nothing if not reliable.
Either there is a god and he hates masturbation, or one of my roommates stole my vibrator while I was in the shower.
right now I need to figure out a smart way to get an accurate picture of his dick so I know what in dealing with, right now in flying blind.
orgasmnado...tomorrow night
That's what I'm talking about
How many times have we said we'd stop taking Jell-O shots with strangers?
whatever bro. i had ice cream and whiskey for breakfast and its noon. this is the second worst christmas ever.
I'm so hungover I just peed on my hand and left it, didn't wash... Killin it in 2915
How is it??
I'm drinking Gatorade out of a champagne flute.
Checking my Tinder matches as I sit here in the waiting room at Planned Parenthood. I can't be stopped.
Your "whiskey dick" is glorious but also terrifying
If you ever tell anyone I offered you boob squeezes for cheetos, I'll kill you
I was grinding with girl while I was eating french fries, and she turned around to hook up with me. She ate my fries.
Randomize
