So I hogged the stall at Denny's for so long that a little kid shit his pants and ran crying to his mother. Am I a terrible person for this being the proudest moment of my life?
Theyre still fighting about whether its called america or the united states.
I just made this asian woman on the boardwalk that was giving 20 dollar massages upset after I asked her if a happy ending comes with it.
Thats my favorite, when ex girlfriends become XL ex girlfriends
Omg. In the pub, there's a guy shouting at the olympic channel 'yeah! Kill that motherfucker!' we're watching figure skating.
What the fuck. The girl next to me just looked at her phone, put her stuff away, and popped a birth control and ran out of class. Lucky fucking guy.
Ok lesson learned. Don't lick the spoon when making mushroom chocolates. The kitchen walls are melting.
I'm getting shit face wasted, and I have to be up so early tomorrow. I am bad at smart.
The best, and by the best I mean the worst, was the 7 month along pregnant chick in the skin tight body suit.
She is watching her grandpa for the day and the dude just whipped it out and started jerking off while watching the View.
I wish you were awake and high the same times I was awake and high. And also in the same state. So we can fuck passionately.
The inside of my nose has felt like the guy's face falling off from raiders of the lost ark all week
THE EAGLE HAS MY PANTIES. I REPEAT. THE FUCKING MASCOT HAS MY PANTIES.
HOLY SHIT. You're my hero.
Stay home. Ain't nothing out in these mean streets but plan b and regret
on a campus of 30,000 people, i should not be able to see every single guy I've ever hooked up with at one party.
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