I forgot to mention I threw up in my wine glass AND my neighbors empty cup.
i've noticed that whenever i have to ask myself "would i be doing this if i was sober?" the answer is probably no.
I've decided I'm just gonna keep drinking til the baby bump shows...
I just found out I was conceived in a rehab facility... that's better than finding out your dad could be someone else right?
Apparently senior citizens don't like that position
As weird as that was it was probably the best advice i've ever gotten from a tranny
Strip beer pong in the front yard? Of course the cops showed up
ugh he was not leaving in the morning so i tried to scare him by crying and saying i wasnt ready to lose my virginity.
You know it's been a successful day when the only reason you put on a bra was to take off your shirt
Whatever you do tomorrow don't let me put on the Borat mankini and yell "POLAR PLUNGE!!" while diving into the pool
The pool is covered.....
Like that would stop me.
Just dodged a state trooper, your weed will be there shortly. Fear the unbustable!
Sexting across continents is really a perfect example of how far technology has come.
I feel like I don't show you my boobs enough. And you deserve to see them like all the time
I thought you were dead but then you asked me if your tits looked good. They did.
I was in line at Panera when I got the pic you sent to your coworker. I just showed your vag to a soccer mom. The vibrator was a nice touch.
Randomize
