threw up during christmas carols. the audience at the church seemed to immediately know i was a college student
Just tried to tap morse code on the wall seperating our beds to tell you I was awake and ready to smoke
planned ethnic drinking holidays while bored at work thru next may. I don't suppose you have any scots or russian in you?
He literally sends me dick pictures, EVERY DAY. SEVERAL DIFFERENT ANGLES ..it's like I GET THE POINT.
Hon, I found you crying into a bathrobe in the back of a closet with a broken shoerack.
Mixing coffee with vodka may have been a bad choice, I feel like I'm pregnant and the baby is trying to perform a c-section from the inside.
The strip club incident sums up our friendship pretty well
If I'm not drunk and wearing a penguin hat by the time we are done opening Christmas presents then coming home for Christmas was a complete failure
Exactly man. Who needs doctors when you have vodka and hot knives.
And one groomsman rode a suitcase cart like a skateboard until he crashed and took out a piece of sheet rock. Later he pulled out his nuts.
He said my vagina is harder to escape than the Temple of Doom.
Life lesson: if a hot naked girl tells you to spit on something, you spit on it. No questions.
i woke up in a bed of pop tarts
Rum and your dick are involved. You're relying on the unreliable narrator.
So I have now fucked both my roommates...This is why I can’t live with men.
Randomize
