Let's just say there is a bloody hand print above my bed and it's not mine. Literally.
I'm chasing vodka with french fries.
I don't know what's more sad: The fact that he fingered the side of my leg, or the fact that the side of my leg feels like a vagina.
You tipped the bathroom lady $20 and then yelled "IT'S YOUR LUCKY DAAAAAAAY" at her.
She got all mad because she said it was "unprofessional" to tell my manager to go fist herself.
You kept saying "sir officer" which would have been polite and helped you if it wasn't a female. She was pissed.
The question of "Will I eat a piece of curried chicken off the floor?" has been answered tonight.
so, does the "dick the size of your forearm" thing run in the family then?
drunk her ninja stole one of the pizzas as it arrived and hid all of the pieces in a cereal box in the fridge.Genius.
Just spread butter on my bathrobe. This has been an ace morning.
Let's be real. I'm the Usain Bolt of running away after hookups. Fastest (wo)man alive.
His dick is the size of my forearm. Would it be rude to ask to take a comparison photo after sex?
You got stoned and bought $300 worth of pudding. Again! Why do YOU think she left you?
I'm asking you this because you're my dad....is coke a drug I should try?
Want to sleep. Also want to see Alex on MDMA doing really stupid shit. Choices...
Randomize
