Yeah apparently i got lonely because everyone was hooking up so i took matters into my own hands. I woke up on the floor spooning a vaccuum cleaner, a mop, 40 paper cups, and industrial grade detergent.
you say it like running around in your thong wasted is a bad thing
He once got bit in the face by a dog and still got laid the same night. He owns Memorial Day Weekend
halloween is the only time that anne boleyn, the joker, a cowgirl, and a mexican man complete with sombrero and poncho can all hit the same blunt
I'm just planning on experiencing Disney as adult style as it gets. Drinking bloody mary's at dawn and telling all the kids waiting in lines how badly their future sucks and that Santa isn't real.
i think i broke my dog last night...fuck
And you will no longer be getting a thank you note from my vagina
started my period, we have to try again next week
if we have anymore sex before that my dick is gonna fall off. that is in no way a complaint
I'm watching porn in spanish. Thats studying right?
HAPPY AIDS-LESS FOURTH OF JULY YOU HEALTHY FUCK
I'm too over dressed and drunk for this emergency vets office
I never thought in a million years that I would have a threesome with my boss and his wife and yet here we are.
I want a shirt that says, "I'm sorry for the things I said when it was Taco Tuesday"
Every time I started to really hate the guys on tinder, the universe throws me a muscly beardy bone.
I'm too hungover to Google him and try to save face.
Randomize
