dude, mark had the least successful cab ride in history last night. took a cab to the bars, stopped at every atm in the city, none worked, then had to come back to the party to beg for 20 to pay the taxi that officially took him nowhere.
Does my surprise involve the use of a safe word?
Probably.
I'm in.
Let's perk you up. I have a good PG joke and a picture of my penis while urinating. You pick.
like stop trying to get a relationship out of this when i'm clearly in the drunken mistakes part of my life.
He deleted all his profile pics with her. It was like the bat signal for single women everywhere.
Well I knew we were drunk when I told you it was a good idea to shit in the ocean
who was wearing the fake mustache? I just found one in my cleavage
Woke up w/ the same freshman as last Saturday but we were sober this time. Is that a relationship?
All i want to do is drink fuck and cry... you dont have to cater all three its more like the saddest choose your own adventure ever
Just had a talk about safe sex with my mom. Not about protection. About the very real possibility of a "penile fracture". Gotta love having a nurse for a mother.
Everybody shut up a minute, we need to discuss how much nicer the world would be if pants weren't a thing.
And the cops are back. At least my pants are on this time
At one point, the bartender wrote out the words "please kill me" on some receipt paper and slid it across the bar to me.
You kept licking my face. You said you were making sure I was real.
Unless my dick prospects improve this year’s Halloween costume will include panties with “DTF” written on them and a push up bra
Randomize
