Please tell me you did not just serenade her with "Let's Get it On"?
Yeah I think it worked. My penis thanks you, Captain Morgan.
I think I deserve the nobel peace prize for discovering that one should smoke before drinking instead of drinking before smoking.
Please tell me how you drunkenly remembered your social security number when we were checking you into the ER.
just fucked two guys in less than 12 hours. i miss this part of being single.
and by single i mean slutty
The homeless guy out front said it's his birthday and he asked us to join him for happy hour after work. He's buying a fifth of gin to celebrate.
So..he has a girlfriend BUT she rarely writes on her wall and is only in 5 of his 371 tagged photos and her default pic is her with some other dude. It cant be serious
Oh my god you need to get off of facebook.
I woke up to find his roommate face down on the couch with no pants on, with a sticky note that said "was lost but now am found"
AFTER I licked the bald guys head they told me we weren't playing
Got it in all night, now at a bar at 730 am and we are the only two people here. Somewhere my mid twenties father is applauding me.
And then she sprinted three blocks through live traffic towards McDonalds screaming "THE GOLDEN ARCHES ARE CALLING ME"
My pubic hair is shaved into the shape of mistletoe.
I hope that's a joke and if not I need a snap of it
We're trying to make our wedding vows nice but meeting on OkCupid fucks that up entirely.
On the shuttle bus from the Casino the driver refused to take us to the strip club so you said "let me off this bus or ill puke on you".
Spotify says I’m in the top 1% of Indigo Girls fans worldwide. Didn’t know I would peak this early.
Aren’t you trying to seem...less lesbian?
Why are there naked heterosexuals in my apartment?
Randomize
