The extent of my physical activity is running from the cops.
The prostitute across the street from us is having a seizure on her front lawn again.
I would also like to inform you that I can no longer lay on my back because my tailbone is bruised from the nightstand. Good job.
I mean its cheating, but i figure i've made out wiht married chicks before so its like a nicotine patch, quitting by doing less and less each day
I dislocated my rib eating pizza. I think I am broken.
We looked at pictures of a Texas banjo contest from 2006 for a half hour and then were surprised by who won. That stoned.
besides i was ending his dry spell. it's written in the bible that jesus likes that right?
Just warning you now f you do not get intoxicated with me in front of the family on thanksgiving we are not related.
Chilling. The soap was talking at one point if I rememeber right...
Lets start a coed nudist frat/sorority. It would be amazing. Or just an orgy club. It would also be amazing
He convinced the breakfast vendor to melt twix bars on bacon for me at 4am. He slurred every word. I think I found my prince charming.
currently googling "apology gifts for when you poop on their floor"
Despite breaking my phone, thumb, and my dignity, last night was pretty good.
holy shit! you were walking down a hill and just happened to be passing a trash can like 4 ft away and projectile vomited over a fence into the trash can. kept walking and drank a beer.
His butt is perfect. Like a twelve on a scale of one to ten. No idea about his personality or anything but that ass... I'm keeping him.
Randomize
