I drank so much Goldschläger last night, I could shit a necklace.
The walk of shame has never felt more glorious... I think it's the somberero
there is laundry and salad ALL OVER my car, i need context
Used my jumper cables as a bottle opener last night. Really pleased with my problem solving skills.
And there might be a gallon of sangria without the lid on the floor in your room. Just be careful when you open the door.
she kept yelling about wanting tacos, so I gave her a piece of bologna in a tortilla. she didn't know the difference
I'm drinking too much free beer
Thats like saying one owns too many kittens. It's not possible.
I rigged together two of my vibrators for more power... I've created a monster.
Ok in all seriousness. Alcohol intake is now restricted for me. I found handcuffs in my trunk.
I realized I was totally the dude in that hook up. I came first and didn't wanna help him finish. And he had paisley sheets.
Seriously, even though I keep it clean, I could douse it in bleach and set it on fire and still not be comfortable with you actually holding it. It's been in my VAGINA.
THIS IS WHY I WENT TO SCHOOL FOR TO BE A COSMETOLOGIST TO HELP MY EX BOYFRIENDS CURRENT GIRLFRIEND BE MILDLY ATTRACTIVE... Everything DOES happen for a reason
dude, i just found out morgan freeman loves weed. all my moms arguments are now irrelevant
my confident boosted when he told me that it was I who started making out with him. ME. NOT HIM.
I AM SHOCKED AND PROUD OF MYSELF
We almost got stabbed in the nuts last night. Don't worry, we're alright.
Randomize
