I just wanted to draw pictures of limp wieners on peoples doors and smash pictures of palm trees. That's it.
im about as happy as oj after his trial
your all-time low pick up line was when you asked a girl "Are you rock-staring at me?"
All I have done at work today is eat and try to get my coworker to tie me to his bed again
Thats alot of pressure.
Just on your vagina. BTW I'm passing your house.
He showed me his scar from his appendix surgery. It was educational and fun....
Is this really the life I've chosen for myself?
She showed me her tits outside Taco Bell....After she flashed the dude working there in an effort to get in.
You stopped loving me for a minute.
You sent me "Is nap," I don't think that really counts as a conversation starter.
Next time you decide to go downstairs hungover, please warn me. I now have to explain to twenty eight year olds why you were naked.
No, I'm not a weirdo, I keep bondage straps under my matress like a normal person, not a diary.
Don't come up here. Strippers r crying.
I’m going to Lewinsky this place
That makes no sense, but it sounds terrifying
Psssh like you wouldn't lick BBQ sauce off my nipples.
He just canceled. I got an amazing new dress and now he’s decided he’s spending the weekend with his family
In other news, there’s some rando in an expensive hotel bar who is going to get very lucky tonight because I love the way this dress makes my tits look. Want to help me find him?
Randomize
