Throwing up while listening to pandora radio. Don't tell me my life doesn't have theme music.
i think i had a heart attack, prayed, and jizzed my pants.all at once.
I think I found an E pill under the couch.. Or really bad tasting candy. Check back in 30min this could get exciting
WHY. COME BACK. TRAPPED WITH ROOMMATE AND FALCON. SAVE ME. I HAVE HUMMUS.
Now all we have to do is pretend we haven't seen each other naked. Work tomorrow is going to be FUN.
I'm thinking he has to buy me dinner at least twice before i even start considering casting him for "Fuck buddy - understudy."
Two run-ins with cops/park rangers tonight and now I'm just wandering around high and shirtless
Sacramento doesn't deserve you
The bottle of Wild Turkey is empty and there is a pile of wet cement in the garage. What happened?
If the fate of the world hinged on some chubby girl getting laid, the president would dispatch me with a fifth of Jameson immediately and then rest easy.
I do not mind being torn from the first touches of sleep to see a man who looks like that
We were going to play manhunt in a strip club, calling it mancunt.
I need to be her Aladdin, and show her the world. The sex world.
He found out about your side hoe and still helped you try to find a lizard that got in the house
The guy got mobbed on, all hell broke loose. About 20 cops showed up, and this kid somehow convinced a cop that letting him pee in front of him is justifiable. This guy could sweet talk Hellen Keller, he was THAT good
On my way home I saw a car that had "MOVE OVER PLZ" emblazoned across the windshield backwards, so people could see it in their rearview mirror
If I ever drive for Lyft or Uber I'm definitely gonna do that
Randomize
