dude I went to cubs game with my mustache, aviators, and a hooded sweatshirt. Do you think it was irony or fate that there were four 17 year old girls in front of us?
Even my Mr Clean Magic Eraser can't make last night disappear.
Just jerked off to Cameron Diaz in "My Sister's Keeper". New low.
That's saying a lot from the girl who takes her liquor with her to the library
You guys tried to boil water to fill up the empty hot tub. After the fourth trip back with the kettle you gave up.
He woke me up at 4am just to lick my nipple. Then he talked in his sleep for 20 minutes about the sex we just had. I think it's safe to say he's a weird one, but I dont care cuz he fucks like a champ.
Thinking about adopting a 16 yr old here. Her name is Abby and she likes vodka. We've bonded. I need a sober driver n e ways...
We went from zero to drunk tank in 45 minutes.
...there was a woman in the stall next to me in the Walmart bathroom having a massive bowl movement and whispering "I'm sorry" over and over
I woke up sandwiched between them, all of us naked, and they were just sharing a cigarette, a donut, and the paper like it was just some normal post-threesome Sunday brunch.
Great news. I WILL BE FUCKING IN A BOUNCY HOUSE TOMORROW.
You know it's a pretty bad night when an injured penis is not the worst thing that happened to you. Fuck tequila
Have you ever wondered if we are just made up characters in someone's head? You'll have to forgive me right now I think I have 7 thumbs
How are you feeling today?
Like Satan handed me a grenade and ass sandwich.
I think the cop who arrested me yesterday is at my gym rn should I say hi
Randomize
