i just dont know how to see an unattractive person as more than a friend
flash back: i gave smirnoff to a group of children at walmart
So, halfway through sex he stops and starts crying. He said he's worried god hates him for all his bad decisions...think he meant to imply I was one of them...
I am waking up at 7am to go to church with him and his family... I better get eaten out tonight.
Too bad you can't keep me under your desk. You'd love that wouldn't you? Massages, blowjobs, and I'd be forced to be quiet all day.
Step one go to argentina step two fuck bitches it's a simple plan really
i can feel the knowledge leaking out of my brain
replace it with alcohol - nature abhors a vacuum
At least you get to smell pizza at your job. I just smell despair all day long.
I found out he put two potatoes in a jar because he wants to make his own vodka.
Should I be concerned you put your last name in my phone as "danger"?
I just did a booty-call caliber shave job in preparation for this weekend. Fuck being ladylike; I'm tryna get LAID-ylike
That last one reminds me of the time we smoked that foot-long joint and by the time we'd finished we were so stoned we applauded it.
She did NOT find it funny to come upstairs to find me with the word "MISERY" written on my forehead in magic marker and the label to the vodka bottle replaced with a scrap of paper taped around that says "COMPANY"
Just got hit on by a 28-year old, quadraplegic, triple-cancer-survivor redneck. Now updating bucket list to meet newfound standards.
Last night you were throwing up in my toilet singing "all by myself."
Randomize
