Sorry, I don't speak sober.
Keeping hand sanitizer and lube in the same drawer in the same size bottle = awful idea
I am in the checkout line at the dollar store and there is a guy in front of me holding a pregnancy test, a chocolate bar, and fake roses. Champion.
It just hit me that i made out with someone's mom last night
Maybe if i steal enough bar glasses i can justify all the money spent i've spent there
just had to shower sitting down. i hope this isn't an indicator of how the rest of my week is going to go.
Im not spending 10 to get hit on by potential transexuals even if they are cuter than most of the girls I dated.
I mostly enjoyed dancing with him because his boner was scratching my bug bites.
Can't you just imagine you've grudge fucked me so we can get past this?
How have I seen you throw up on yourself 3 different times, yet we weren't Facebook friends until I accidentally hooked up with your ex?
I said no to friends with benefits because it was too much commitment
I have jury duty tomorrow
I almost deep fried my finger today and yet I think you are worse off than I am.
The worst part is there are all kinds of happy creatures out here like fucking snow white and i'm sitting in semi-dead grass, hungover with a burnt butt
We're getting a bucket of chicken and screwing around, so no, you can't join us.
I know I may be showing my age by saying this but this is the first time I have been eaten out in the parking lot behind the Clairmont Inn since 1990
Randomize
