took out my tampon, fucked him, and put a new one back in all before he realized I was on my period. beat that one bitch.
Brought out my three foot martini glass last night, that explains why I haven't left my bed all day long.
Arguably, the best part was cockblocking those squirrels.
No gym. Sooooo hung over. Just puked up the water I drank and it still has ice cubes in it.
I swear it's like I have a jerk off quota I have to meet each week. If I miss three days I have a wet dream and it's like a wasted jizz, and it gets everywhereeeeeee.
I still think it's messed up that you're naming your kids after all the guys you slept with in college
Just found out I reached my $2500 deductible and I have a $5 million dollar cap on my health insurance. Let's get drunk and do something recklessly stupid tonight.
it was really awkward meeting your mom for the first time while i was still wearing the condom we were using.
I feel like a monkey keeps fucking me in the ear with a trombone as a dick.
You went to the animal party as a hoodrat. You won the most creative costume contest.
So the guy I hooked up with during welcome week just tried to booty call me from across the lecture hall at 9am. I don't think he gets how this works...
Never play truth or dare with a girl who carries a dildo in her purse. I'll never go to a Denny's again.
Using the money underagers give me to buy this semesters books.. My mom would be so proud
You reeked of guilt and shame and we offered you pancakes
He woke me with blue berry pancakes and a blow job. He's a keeper.
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