I just spent all my babysitting money on red cups and beer.
People still let you watch their kids?
At what point did we agree that playing bocchi ball on the way to the liquor store was a good idea?
Today's dinner table topic: the probablity of my dad turning gay if he ever left my mom.
To drunk to make oatmeal. I'm pouring it into my mouth and gargling it with beer. Ive made maple brown sugar bud light
He needs to stop telling me how much he respects me. What does that even mean
Apparently drunk me thinks it's a good idea to put drops of acid in assorted open drinks in the fridge... This should be a fun week.
Life Epiphany- I need to have children so I can be the drunk grandma at family functions. Its my destiny.
Your exhaustion is probably due to your rampant sexual urges and the fact that you live the same life as a raccoon.
I've woke up with the same hoodie on backwards, twice this week. I think that's a record
I'm tired of the topic. I sent him a pic of my vagina to change it.
I was jerking him off and in two seconds he went from "oh yeah that feels good" to "what day is Thanksgiving again?" and then back again. Like wtf.
Yeah. I found my shirt from last night while walking back to the bar to get my purse/phone this morning. I'm never going to even ask what actually happened. Be glad you moved 7 states away.
I just accidentally deep throated a popsicle in front of my parents
Sometimes, it’s important to take a moment and kinkshame yourself.
I regret nothing
Not even Married Dan?
I regret one thing
Randomize
