apparently i'm not the first person wake up and realize she's ugly cuz i tore this house apart and there is no sign of my clothes
I wish we had a justin bieber to wanna fuck when we were younger... But noooo we just had hanson
I asked him how he was going to celebrate tomorrow and he said "tits, clits, and bong hits"
This could be one of the worst things i've done... The background of her phone is her and her boyfriend.
the fda needs to get their shit together cause these four loko going away parties are gonna kill me
I may be in pain from falling off the roof but getting to the morning roof keg was well worth it.
When I came in she was screaming "boundaries!" at the cat because it was trying to eat her pizza rolls.
I love you more than champagne and correct grammar
My 19 year old brother just hooked up with his 45 year old cougar kindergarten teacher. These sorts of situations make me realize why the sorority girls call him Wondercock
I hope to God it's not the new neighbors having sex, because what I'm hearing sounds like a mildly defective vuvuzela or a cow giving birth.
I stole us four large rolls of toilet paper from the hotel carts. I feel like the breadwinner in this relationship
I heard you ran into my sister lastnight. Do you remember making out with her and slapping my uncle?
He sent me a flaccid dick pic from the bathroom at the bar and he said I'm sorry it's not all hard and good looking. Props to him - I did ask for a pic.
come pick your gf up from my house. she's sitting in the fridge and hissing at the cat to let her eat the potatoes. btw i dont have a cat
My arm is completely dead, never again will i give you a 20 minute hand job. You better have enjoyed that asshole. I have to text with my left hand now.
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