with her its the mind over matter factor, i dont mind and she dont matter
Funniest shit happened at the grocery store. This kid kept asking his mom for candy over and over and she told him 'daddy said no' and he screamed 'he isn't my dad' so loud everyone in the store was silent it was awesome.
so..some girl walked up to me on the porch last night. She came to apologize for peeing on our lawn a few days ago. I just looked at her and said it was ok, she wasn't the first.
Dude i have a 6th sense for when bagel bites are ready.
how do you ask an olympian for your underwear back?
didn't realize her mom was home while we were fucking, but she's oddly okay with it. she made us food afterwards. but then kept talking about having grand kids the whole time. is it time to bail?
I'm not saying I haven't been that drunk. I'm just saying I haven't been that drunk and then have cops buy me shots.
I'm so busy i barely have time to have sex with myself. I have to talk myself into it like an old married couple.
There's going to be a velveeta shortage. I'm not drunk any more, this is just dire info.
me + whiskey = a bad person
I just lectured my ex boyfriend on how to eat a girl out what has my life come to
Who brings a stripper home to ninja turtle bed sheets
Me and I got head
So this morning everyone commended me for puking over the porch. No one else made it that far...
It's less than a hour into 2020 and I already want to punch some people in the face
Best single mom victory - getting eaten out in my dodge caravan in the hospital parkade at midnight.Three words: screaming multiple orgasms.
Randomize
