if you made me into a cookie and threw me into a betty crocker easy bake oven on christmas morning...that's how baked i am
So I called her out for all the gossip she does and she's like "you do the same, bitch"
So I was like "Im classy like the Countess, youre just a bitch like Kim."
Kudos on the Interstate Housewife metaphor.
So my prents justed posted "DO NOT DISTURB" on facebook and i just heard their door shut and lock...I'm leaving
she starting giving me head in the taxi..the driver told her to stop..she looked up, said "I'm the birthday girl", and kept on doing what she was doing.
no more everclear, i just stood next to the toilet and peed my pants. then went back to the party soaking wet.
I'm going on a valentine's date with the random guy i hooked up with in the bar bathroom this weekend...i feel like julia roberts
So in Aca Taco on grad night 1am, this bitch walks in alone drunk as fuck in her gown to the front of the line and says, "I graduated today...thank YOU"
Everything smells like vodka and bologna. WHAT DID YOU DO?
I am significantly less than sober now. Gonna make like, ten hotdogs.
Oh yes there is. Now I'm the sad one. Please organize my life. And I will demoralize yours.
I like her. She smells like old lady but tastes like whiskey
you were bawling because you felt bad for being so drunk and then you asked for a beer
It turned from Netflix and chill to cringeworthy YouTube videos and chill. At least he's honest.
My mom just said we can't get married in nude body suits to look like earthworms. She's ruining my life.
I just had to explain to my grandma what a reach-around is. Too far..
Randomize
