We're hooking up, I have a toothbrush at her place, and yet on leaving her apartment a minute ago we said goodbye with a hi five. WTF?
You're upset about this?
i just walked into a room at this party and someone yelled "dibs!"...
Turn sideways at McDonald's = actual directions to a winery
You stole her bday cake and shared it with drunk strangers on the street.
I hope he doesn't find the chex mix when he takes my shirt off.
Are you absolutely against sleeping in your car? Because i've done that before.
Hate is such a strong word! I prefer to think that you strongly dislike me due to the honesty I show towards your routine shortcomings of success in life.
My aunt comes over, haven't seen her in 4 years. First thing, looks me up and down and goes "...yup, that pair ripened nicely. Theyll get you some free drinks"
I think you were raised by the wrong sister
So, I'm a little drunk in Seattle with Glenna, but we've all agreed that it's patriotic to think about Bill Clinton from time to time during sex. 'Merica
I don't know how guys can take themselves seriously when they see themselves naked
Remember that cop that blew me in the parking lot a few weeks ago? He's possibly with his wife and kids shopping at Target.
Would it be weird if i sent him a "happy fuckiversary" text?
If I get really high and watch Beauty and The Beast on our Netflx account, will you judge me?
Only if you start before I get home!
The text I got from my boyfriend this morning: "babe, I'm not mad because I know you were drunk, but you kissed 3 guys last night and I wasn't one of them".
You lost to your mom AND grandma in beer pong last night. pretty sure that constitutes a retirement from the sport
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