i wanted to iron the shorts i'm wearing. but i'm high and lazy. so i'm using my hair straightener. in bed.
halloween makes it hard to decipher real cops... from sexy men dressed up as them.
Ha Ha the cop that just pulled me over would like me to tell you hi!
My mom said that if she can come this weekend, she'll buy the weed.
Just remembered when I bought that round of shots I told the girls to "get their whore friend" who was making out with her bf instead of drinking. I don't know why they stayed.
I think my vagina is phsycic. All day it tingled and then BAM Channing Tatums look alike fucks me like ive never been fucked in my life.
I had an epiphany. If a dude dressed up as Batman to ask me out, I'd prolly marry him.
He drives a tundra! Of course I fucked him. Im just saying eventually im going to need help moving and he has a nice truck. Its like thank you for later on
Would it be wrong to text my ex and say "congratulations on the new baby that you had with a stripper"?
Oh? I just remember dropping coins and trying to give the manager change to let me back into the bar.
Let's celebrate our freedom by getting high and doing stupid shit.
His dog ate the vibrator. The WHOLE vibrator. We spend the morning after trying to make it vomit up the battery. Why does this always happen to me?
I feel like I smell like bad decisions
In any case. I fucked a married couple recently. Know what a straight person would've done there? Been super weirded out by 1/3 of the genitals there, that's what.
You are currently doing Harry Potter spells with the turkey-baster...
Randomize
