6:33 AM: I'm drunk at this time of morning.
he's making romantic advances towards me. and he has a pet snake. 2nd part not relevant, but interesting.
I didn't think I could chip a tooth while giving a blowjob until I met him.
Do you think my parents will accept my drinking habits more if I told them I like to drink every night because I take good shits the next morning?
just threw up on my speech test, so much for a great semester
Too many sundays start with me waking up still drunk in my car.
He showed up 3 hours late wearing roller skates and acted like nothing was wrong with that.
I thought that wasn't a thing ever since she showed you her vag on the dance floor
Apparently getting a blow job in the mens room from the bar owners daughter will get you kicked out.
I need to find parents that want to take care of a grown adult. I'm sure there's a website out there for that. Like a sugar daddy but sugar parents.
he walked up looked at my boobs then looked at my eyes then looked at my boobs again smiled and said "can I get you and the girls a shot "
I am NOT pregnant
My barren womb can FUCK WHOEVER I want
I just realized. I havent even gotten a paycheck from this new job yet and already laid one of the girls most of the dudes are after
We all just got ice cream, condoms, and toilet paper now were gonna go home and watch movies as a family.
Condoms?
It was kind of like hidden Mickey ears, but with dicks.
Randomize
