come pick me up. please. i just puked in my lap. bring pants.
trsut me youll find me, im the only kanye west here and every1 is chanting dbag at me
that's like riding a pigeon when you could fuck a bald eagle
I just found out me and my parents buy from the same drug dealer.
you should get a family discount.
you made me have a moment of silence for the half of a sub sandwich that you dropped on the floor earlier
So she just apologized to the fire extinguisher.
We just set the fire alarm off with a fog machine. What's my first instinct? Finish my drink. I think I handled that correctly.
I might come over. Something about you makes me matronly and I have this urge to nurse you back to health with soup and a blowjob
Yeah, I wish I could have one upped you. But all I did was ride circles around a cop on a stolen bicycle while laughing at him for telling me to stop riding on the sidewalk.
I started scrolling back in our texts looking for context and a picture of your dick rose like the Great Pumpkin in the middle of my screen.
Got paid 100 bucks to babysit a kid for five hours while hungover. I slept the whole time and threw up twice. Yes 100 bucks.
he keeps various drugs in his kitchen cupboard like groceries. that is my new life goal as an adult.
His mom let me come to his house for a Booty call at 4am. She even cooked us breakfast in the morning and told me im a better moaner than his girlfriend of 4yrs.
you said you were the change fairy and you kept throwing all of your quarters at me.
I trusted a fart in Toronto. NEVER TRUST A FART IN TORONTO.
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