I think your mom looks like a breed of donkey and elephant, but her boobs are perfect
I'm missing my class because I'm not done with my beer
I'm doing shots of crown out of a baby bottle. My friends are sensational parents.
he convinced the breakfast vendor to melt twix bars on bacon for me at 4am. he slurred every word. i think i found my prince charming.
i'm sure the inside of her vag looks like Normandy circa 1944
and yes i had to double check that date for that joke to be accurate
We spilled a whole bottle of mouth wash and then proceeded to roll around and make out in it. At least I smell minty fresh.
i accidentally sent all my draft messages..how do i do damage control for the multiple "fuck me now" type msgs sent at ten am?
I am a woman. I need to be selective about the porn I stream on my phone. Who knows if my cell will ever get lost, who will see it and what they'd think otherwise. Keepin' it classy tampa.
Of the three people getting wasted at this dance competition, im two of them
Fuck off I wasn't that drunk. I was still able to toss froot loops in the air and catch them in my mouth.
And in your bra. It was quite entertaining.
This was the fourth year in a row I got arrested at Pride. Pretty sure that qualifies me as a legend.
If you could not mention to him that I slept with his best friend, that'd be cool of you.
Between the deep breathing and nipple piercings , I thought I was in the twilight zone
It says something about our relationship that he stole your phone to tell me about his dick at 3am and neither of us realized that wasn't you until just now
This Asian instant coffee I found in ur kitchen is like crack. Who knew I could feel my heart beating in my asshole after one cup of this happiness.
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