Have you ever noticed that nowhere is the same thing as now here, i get my best ideas when i smoke
She had a little wicker basket of condoms by her bed. Disturbing yet convenient.
$1 margaritas. This happy hour needs to end.
One of two things would happen: He'd love it, or you'd get a restraining order.
Please find an outlet that isn't stripping or getting drunk and arrested
The maintenance guy asked for a box to stand on to reach the ceiling. All I could offer him was a keg.
Fuck you for setting me up with the guy from the Nickelback cover band
Payback for not stopping me from fucking the guy in the wookie costume
im trying to look as sober as possible but i just poured orange juice and mayo into my milkshake.
it's too much effort for something that isn't food.
I just hope I don't wheeze during sex
I just got fingered in the Win-Co parking lot for pills. How's your meltdown going?
Odd start to the day - the FBI just showed up at my apartment.
Watching the awkward tinder date at the table next to mine is the most action I've had in months, so there's that.
That makes sense.. A good Bj is a trump card in any argument
Pro tip: If you tell him that his dick looks like a muppet then you won't have to see him again.
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