She’s leaving for college so I made her a gift basket with all the essentials. You know- Ramen, a 12 pack of PBR, some leftover Plan B pills and a laminated business card for a good lawyer. Damn I’m a good big sister.
One little Beyonce reference and he turns on me faster than liberals on Jon Mackey
we where pretty evenly matched until he threw me through that wall
then he asked me if i wanted to "handle his wingman"
The last thing I remember is stabbing him with his diabetes medicine
I'll report later on the progress of the mountain orgy
Happy heartbreak day....you got chocolates, I'm eating them/ throwing them out the window at passing couples
I might have snap chatted him. So here's what I need you to do. Find him. Abduct him. Get his phone. View the chat so he can't. Then, buy him ice cream. He deserves ice cream.
I can't remember dinner
Hahaha "rub in the ketchup on your face, It'll just look like blush." some gay waiter said that to you, and you go "good idea!"
I need a priest, doctor, and therapist after this weekend.
You came walking in the backyard at 10am, in cowboy boots, a new shirt, and had no money,....we lost you for 15 hours....i think you just need a camera crew, or an assistant. IMPRESSED!
You kept purposefully giving me wrong directions, laughing, then yelling at me for taking directions from a drunk person.
I impressed him by taking off my panties without removing my pants.
Why the fuck are you playing with legos?
Why the fuck are you questioning me?
He told you he loved you. Then you wanted to find a chainsaw to cut his dick off.
Yoooooo, the fat magician married the chick I dumped a beer on after I got pissed he was flirting with her in front of me
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