here I sit at Southern Illinois' finest pubs and I thought I heard your laugh. I was sadly astonished to turn and find a midget cracking herself up reading the label on her can of chewing tobacco...
I just found 22 drunken videos and 4 naked pictures on my phone. We'll start the bidding at $5
im just glad that if you were going to have awkward hospital sex, you would want it with me
I love my roommate; her alcohol problem, her proclivity for passing out on the living room couch, and her fucking awesome size d tits that can never remain clothed. Craigslist jackpot.
Her parents walked in on us. So for my birthday they bought me a blow-up doll with their daughters face on it. I don't know what to think right now.
I told my dad that bagels were the equilelent of angels kisses and if he bought me one i would do a split
Apparently I gave him a 'Steve jobs blowjob'
Fuck you. how could you leave me passed out hangin out my truck window when you knew it was starting to rain?
You were sitting on the filthy kitchen floor eating a packet of grated cheese, and you were crying because you couldn't find any cheese.. I'd say our party was a success.
No she left bc the of pic I have of my mom in my bathroom. She thought it was my gf
Why the hell do you have a picture of YOUR MOM in your bathroom?!?!
I was looking threw the photos on my phone. There is 8 different ones of us peeing on things.
Zak is like the Picasso of masterbatory texts
You spent like 10 minutes trying to hit a golf ball that was actually a cigarette butt. And then fell over.
i don't think fitbit tracks "flipping the fuck out" as activity.
the bastard is cheating on me with some sleazy barista from Starbucks
That’s his wife they’re back together
You say potato, I say sleazy barista
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