you really are a gigantic fucking slut.
sidenote: just remembered sarcasm does not translate through text
it's probably a bad thing that i wasn't even offended, huh?
Omg. There's def a kid, like 10 years old, sitting in a buggy at wal mart holding a sign that reads "I can't behave"
Ok cool. Ill pick up liquor because, well let's be honest, we don't need an excuse anymore.
I'm sorry I dragged a dildo (on a leash) into your room last night.
The bridesmaid just threw up on herself. This is going to be the best wedding ever
Pretty sure even her dog was surprised when I got that blow job.
A stranger just came up to me and asked why I hadn't texted him, and if he was just a one night stand. I live for these moments.
He purred while eating me out. HE PURRED AND I LIKED IT.
On a side note...my DUI lawyer just snapchatted me. This is the exact moment in time when I realized my like IS a joke.
So wait. Let me get this straight lol... you... are are considering offering fetish services to "trample and own" someone for $80 in order to pay for someone to come organize ur shit? Pure genius.
I think it was clear she was setting us up when she brought me over to you and said "Present!"
All I remember is laying in that secret hideaway closet, naked, with a beer cowboy hat on and you walking in and sitting down crying because no one would have sex with you
i just found my fake in the snow. LIFE IS AWESOME
dude, last night I won a real sword and a bottle of vodka in a cards against humanity tournament
It was bad. U were calling my cat "kittiano" and playing her like a piano. Way too drunk my friend.
Randomize
