Think I'm gonna go cougar hunting tonight... Any advice?
condoms and good judgment
Can I buy both of those at the same store?
i just sent this text using only my big toe
I'm going to show my kids 2 girls 1 cup just to scare them away from porn
his name is not nearly as fun as i thought to yell out in bed
The hot Japanese girl in my class just said her "favorite sexy American actor is Nick Cage." That, I can work with.
sweet and enthusiastic is code for tiny dick.
We uncovered another pile of vomit after you left. And i am not talking about the one in the vase
we already have meals planned for the weekend.
SEMEN IS NOT A MEAL.
All of our toilets in my house are broken. Thank God I've practiced peeing in the sink enough.
There are so many Jimmy John's employees here
Where are you?
Jimmy John's.
i knew as soon as i met you that i was gonna be the designated driver
Oooo. Can we pretend to be Amanda Bynes?
She bought wigs like Disney princesses. I want to be her.
The last thing I remember is singing hotel California with a hobo and asking every bald man I saw if I could touch his head.
I told my coworker that I'm going to a dinner party and was asked to bring wine and pregnancy tests and he was like.. I miss being 20
Jesus fuck that was emotional whiplash
Randomize
