I wanna passion pit in your ass
It was awkward being the only one at the wedding who knows that the bride and groom met when she gave him a lap dance at a strip club
im sorry for trying to flush a roll of toilet paper down with my puke. probably not great for your toilet
The second I see you we're shot gunning beers
It's gonna be 8 o'clock in the morning
And your point is?
Marry me
So guess who got away with telling their girlfriend she's insane multiple times in a Valentine's day card. Yup, this guy.
You raged at the rock climbing place for not selling beer and then just said "fuck it" and pulled out a flask.
Donald Trump and I would be so adorably orange together!
Sexual Frustration City, population: Me.
I just tried to give a picture of a dude a blowjob. through my computer screen. I was leaning forward with my mouth open and everything so WALK AWAY
Straight up asked lady in a lime green jumpsuit how to make your ass clap. That thing wiggled more beautifully than ocean waves at sunset
Some guy Just sang about my ass on the street
It was terrible lyrics but I would have thrown my life savings into that guitar case if I had any.
apparently they stopped looking at spit swabs under the microscope in bio ever since they found a sperm cell in one students sample
My boobs just got me out of my third ticket last night
i'm so proud. i woke up to nearly seven feet of basketball player in my bed this morning
you win. again.
Reason # 294827284949272 i could never be a cop. I would just shoot. All the time. Ppl. Animals. Inanimate objects. Air.
I think you handled your pregnancy scares better than that cricket in your bathroom
I had to carry him up the hill while he was wearing nothing but knee high socks and a blue glitter sequin leotard.
Why is this not a picture message?
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