Seriously.......what do you have to do to get arrested in Vegas???
let me put this in terms we both understand. he was the crunchwrap supreme of men--the perfect combo of all things manly, gooey and delicious. and ready for instant enjoyment.
My drug dealer just texted me that his kid had a rough sleep and was running late to deliver the ounce to my office. Totes adorbs.
Buying her a drink is like giving a seagull a French fry, all you're gonna do is get annoyed and shit on
make that a herd of moose. they will be my moose minions
Hooked up with a guy resembling a bearded Cher. I need the lenses on my beer goggles fixed. Pronto.
Let me be the vehicle for you to live out your slutty half-gay dreams.
Did you put Adderal in the fishtank in the lobby? The fish are acting like Olympic sprinters. Asshole.
I was gonna jerk off, but then I thought about that movie last night and it killed that idea. I have serious boner trauma.
Hey, I left a taco in your dishwasher.
I have jizz, in my hair. I'm sitting in class with jizz. In. My. Hair. I need to make better life choices.
I had a dream that we had an entire sofa made out of cocaine.
5 seconds ago I had no idea that a fart could travel so fastly thru the tanning bed. I taste it in the back of my neck.
did you know that sneaking into a golf course at midnight is a felony? the cop made sure to tell us after she peed on the course and hit on him
Is it weird that I shop for lingerie by thinking if it will look good on both me and your floor?
No. Not at all.
Randomize
