I was high as a kite when I got pulled over by a cop and he asked me for my ID and if I had been smoking weed, I said no and gave him my debit card.
I feel like I got hit by a truck made out of Jack Daniels.
marching band practice is quite the interesting soundtrack to sex
Pretending to care about her feelings is becoming a full time job
my facebook is like a giant collection of my one night stands
If she wants to think that freshman 15 means sleeping with 15 guys than so be it I just gotta make sure I'm one of them.
she tried strangling devon with the garden hose. pretty sure they're broken up
My goal tonight is to get arrested because what cop can say they have ever arrested a giant sperm before. God I love halloween
Dude, chad is laying across the room, violently, passionately, pornographicly eating something and I seriously think the 'some thing' is fighting back.
I just sneezed glitter I JUST SNEEZED G LITTER I j u st SneeZED GLIT TER I DO NOT HAVE TIME FOR THIS AT ALL.
I woke up at like 4 am with an old Korean woman cuddling me. I assure you she was not there when I went to sleep.
Odd start to the day - the FBI just showed up at my apartment.
You have to give it to him that he fucked me out of the dull weekdays.
I have photo proof.
Girl, don't care. What's my rule? If I don't remember it, it never happened.
you have 30 seconds to convince me not to grab this guy's crotch in front of his girlfriend
Randomize
