It's pretty bad when the convenient store clerk can tell you that you're earlier than usual for visiting the store.
Dude I'm so glad we're not friends anymore. It would have made fucking your stepmom last night really awkward. Dickwad.
you yelled then hung up at the girl on information bc she could not pinpoint your location and tell you how to get to dennys
closing bar tabs have helped me with simple math in college.
Cant decide who was more of a mess the morning after... me when i passed out in the bathroom stall or you when you sprayed yourself down with hairspray thinking it was sunblock
I imagine the nuva ring like a bug zapper. It just kills them all.
Sometimes I wonder why I hang out with you. And then you show up half naked at my door with a half gal of vodka, and I remember why.
When I start puking tomorrow, just let me be. it'll start around 8:35. just let me heave. i love this part of my morning.
I just had to stop two people giving each other hand jobs in the pool. That was not something I was taught in lifeguard training
Drinking vodka straight out of a beer bottle because I don't want to be judged. Not my best idea and not my worst.
Sorry about coming to the pool in only a thong. I thought you said it was closed. Not that you were teaching a group of kids how to swim.
The most adult decision I've mad today was Jameson or Fireball? It's been a successful Day
So, then you thought it was a good idea to dress up like the Hamburglar, buy a bag full of McDonalds hamburgers, go to Burger King and throw them at everyone while screaming "HAMBURGLAR!". At that point there was no stopping you.
We both shit in the same closet in Santa Fe. Nothing is sacred anymore.
I ACCIDENTALLY MURDERED MY COUSIN
HOW DO YOU ACCIDENTALLY MURDER YOUR COUSIN
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