i was just at lovers lane looking for gifts for a bachelorette party.....with my mom
the girl next to me at the bar JUST looked down at her vagina and said "im going to get you fed". if i come home alone tonight...i give you permission to cut off my penis
The girl who overdosed in the bathroom at work is back....help?
he made his penis look like a sprinkler when he was coming. it was pretty cool actually.
This old guy just saw me toking on my bubbler before I go to the dentist. He gave me the nod.
She asked me to head butt her and after half a bottle of whiskey that seemed reasonable.
So hung over, I told one of the candidates she's hired if we can turn the lights off and take a nap instead of doing her interview. I feel like she has potential.
the upside of dating someone over 21: he can buy me a pregnancy test AND a bottle of wine when he goes to cvs for me
The lady at Walgreens was all excited my pregnancy tests had a coupon.
A lumberjack bearing the gift of small oranges or gymnast sex... I love you man but you lose that battle 9 out of 10
when I woke up, he was drunk and singing "soft kitty" and petting my face
Drunk me obviously wants to fuck up my life
It's like I have an arch nemesis, and it's me
getting busted for public urination is like, a step above j-walking. you'll be fine
He walked in on me banging his sister and said "you're both old enough to make you own decisions. Carry on"
I don't think I'm ever gonna need a boyfriend again. I have a body pillow, a vibrator, and I'm strong enough to open my own jars.
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