Mmmm, vodka for breakfast
You realize we can hear you jacking off in your room, right?
I like it rough
There is a guy dressed as Captain America in the theatre. I want to make out with him even though I have no idea what he looks like. Wish me luck, I'm going in.
I come back upstairs and there he was sitting in a speedo. He handed me a blanket and said "let's cuddle" how is this real life?
Hes trying to fuck me on a bear rug. Not saying no.
pooping with feet up on an ottoman about level with the toilet is nice
Please tell me I didn't try to make out with a 70 year old Romanian man last night ...
he had hair everywhere except his balls
We have to do it Saturday and get a thirty. If i remember correctly it takes me 12 beers to become a wizard
I just bout myself an edible arrangement for myself and had it delivered to work. I even wrote myself a note. This is a new low for me.
Hopefully they won't bring up last year's Christmas party. I kind of predicted my great aunt's death...
Maybe I'm not hungover. Maybe I'm actually dying.
He wants to pour butter pecan flavored coffee creamer on me and lick it off. I'm like, dude, gross. French Vanilla ok? Ugh.
we are the best best friends ever. You had sex in an ice cream truck I had sex in a fire truck
She just kept screaming and saying "fucking you is like fucking a mountain"
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