Will you take my knitting needle, stick it far up my nose, reach in my frontal lobe and give it a few swirls?
My bed smells like naked
Haha. At least it doesn't smell like herpes
Shitting during a conference call is so empowering.
the cashier at riteaid just made the sign of the cross before he rang up my pregnancy test. now i know god is on my side
so jimmy johns showed up at our party last night. our house is sponsored now. living the dream.
Leaving ole miss girls house to go to the stripper girls house. Why did it take losing my job to start getting laid all the damn time?
I woke up with my bra stapled to the ceiling, her dad was in the hallway winking at me. I was the less drunk of the bunch.
Pretty sure he sprained my tongue. This is why you don't hook up with gingers.
You almost make it sound as if getting an education to further your career is more important than beer and tacos.
Using our apartments online floor/space planner to see how many beer pong tables we can fit. Dont think they had this in mind when they put this thing online.
Probably not lol but were fitting as many as possible
There's a drag queen here that reminds me strongly of you. You should try crossdressing.
Ok well i was gonna say you can only borrow my fog machine if you will use it to emerge from your room in a cloud of smoke after having sex with sarah, so yeah we're good
Do you know anyone else that comes home with unexplainable injuries as many nights a week as we do?
He was the perfect gentleman on our first date. Took me out for candlelit dinner at a fancy restaurant, held open the door, walked me home, and made me cum three times before he got his.
At some point you said you just wanted to get laid, so we had a moment of silence for your dead sex life...
Randomize
