I wish I had more reasons to start sentences with the phrase, "Here's the thing you've got to remember about cougars ...
i was high and broke so i stole a roast chicken and a 40 inch sheet cake from wegmans and ate in a bathroom stall.
you rearended a car with your bike and then puked all over his back windshield. They made BUI's for you.
the realtor just took us to a house I had a one night stand in. I feel like it's a sign.
Every once in a while you'd chuckle to yourself, and when I asked you what's so funny u replied "sometimes my toes tickle eachother"
If I am going to throw out this whole "born again virgin" thing...i'm not going to do it on someone who is less than 5 inches.
I'm really tired of your booty call eating my fruity pebbles.
Get dressed, I have 50$ and you need a new beer pong table since we threw yours off the 8th floor last night.
I think that's the first time I've heard someone say "this is the safest way of doing things" while holding half a gallon of jagermeister
I think if I set up a series of baby gates up the stairs each one more difficult to undo then the last that should be able to stop your drunk vagina.
Now I don't feel so bad about telling everyone that he's 23 and needs Viagra. It's her problem now
Unfortunately hes not a hipster douchebag with no life goals, so naturally I'm not interested.
i spilled a box of white cheddar cheezits on the bathroom floor about 2 days ago. when i went back to the house he yelled at me from the bathroom: "THANKS FOR THE CHEEZITS, I'll ALWAYS HAVE A SNACK FOR WHEN IM SHITTING NOW!"
Making drunken Mac n cheese at 3 am I understand why witches constantly stir their cauldrons. Much more homogenized temperature and slim chance of boiling over. Good job witches.
Do you know why I slept in the yard last night?
You said you watched the lion king stoned and had to do it for simba.
Pride rock will get you every time.
Randomize
