can we get nightvision for the apartment?
dude, best porn name ever, "the Hunt for Red Cocktober"
naighbors jacking off again. i swear its his friday night ritual, its like he knows the night wont be ending in his favor
I just did the classiest thing ever.
last time you said that you got chlamydia.
Wife passed out. Doing shots with the hot bartender... Don't tell me I don't know how to celebrate a 1yr anniversary
He burnt a smiley face into the screen with a cigarette, peed in my tub and then tried to take off his pants. tried...
I just woke up to three voicemails from you. In the first one you just straight laughed for 3 minutes. In the second you did bird calls. In the third you were hysterically crying. Have fun last night?
Was this before or after he told that homeless man outside the bar about his past sexual experiences?
I would ask what did you do but I feel like who did you do is probably more appropriate
When we were eating pie last night, I dropped some, and not only did you not judge me for far surpassing the 5 second rule, you let me use your foot to sock mop with. You're a good friend.
Would your heart desire to drink copious amounts of alcohol tonight?
I need a new pic for your contact id. Because your boobs popping up when I'm having dinner with my grandma or, ya know, when kids have my phone isn't so good.
We are trying to penis chicken awkward them out. But I think it's a gay wedding. Backfiring. Heavily.
We get up to three toppings. Dignity is not one of them.
How do you explain to your parents that you can't go to the library because you got banned for being drunk in there... on a Sunday afternoon?
That's $100,000 of quality education right there.
Randomize
