I'll buy you a vibrator, we can get married for tax benefits, and live happily ever after with lots of doggggs.
today is the best snowday of my entire life. also its no shirt day.
She had a group on her phone called "great fucks". I was in it. It's almost like making the forbes list
we took turns throwing up in the kitchen sink last night...no i am not doing the dishes
Hey everyone. This evenings celebration will commence with a cocktail hour at genghis at 830 to be followed with an upscale dining experience at taco bell at 10. All are welcome. This is not a joke. Thank you
We shaved off his eyebrows I'm pretty sure his fiance will be thrilled at the wedding
I may hire someone just to sell my family the drugs they keep asking me for. It's cutting into my doing drugs time.
Any residual attraction has just been ruthlessly murdered by that mustache.
Fun Fact: I do not remember what its like to be sober between drinking off and on for two weeks at my "vacation" and being on painkillers for my mouth now
I don't know if I should feel proud or ashamed of myself...ashamed for making myself a drink at 6:15am or proud for actually being awake that early.
and than he said 'I did amateur porn for a while' and I just knew tinder did not fail me this time
No, you made a silk sheet toga and held up a dildo calling yourself "The Statue of Puberty". People made pilgrimages from the other party down the block to see you.
I took an uber home at 6am. Went to Santanas, apparently they don't take american express. So the uber driver bought my burrito. Success!
Just paid for my STD meds using a giftcard I got for Christmas. Thanks mom.
hey sorry i didnt call i just got out of jail, so you still dtf ?
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