paul mccartney is starting to look like angela lansbury
she asked if i had a condom...i said yes...when we finished it wasnt on...told her it was at home on my dresser.
i was actually impressed that she managed to throw up underwater while scuba diving
He suggested abortion before I finished the sentence. That was my plan too, but now I feel like should keep it just to prove how big of a dick he is.
i secretly love the power trip of being their RA & busting these idiots for everything i did as a freshman
she wanted to watch hairspray while we fucked. she's obviously your kinda girl, dude.
my roommate is sobbing and looking at photos of elephants. i'm so confused.
I think you would be disgusted with me if you knew how many times I had imaginary sex with you today
He's gotta be able to drive a truck, make me mac n cheese and give me the best orgasms. That's my perfect man
I feel like we should build an island for girls that have committed atrocious numbers of unforgivable sins. We'll call it 'whore island' after the anchorman fashion.
Simple math equation: Up till 5 a.m. drinking + up at 9 a.m. for nephews birthday party = puking in the pool
He was late, on account of he accidentally went to the Al-Anon meeting across the hall, and it took him 30 minutes to realize he was in the wrong room.
drunk me cartwheeled over a turtle sandbox & slit my foot open on a cinder block. how do you explain that to a doctor?
I just found a live peacock hanging out behind the bar. I coerced it into my car and now I have a peacock bro that lives with me.
So how often do you needs to see my tits today then?
Randomize