Hows this for an invention: a toilet that weighs your poop
I saw a seagull swallow a hot-dog whole today, it reminded me of you.
You've ruined blow jobs for me. You were the motzart of sucking dick, where every other girl is like awkward elevator music
you yelled "who's job is it to keep me from breaking shit" and then immediately ripped off the molding as you fell down the stairs.
I just puked behind a tree outside work, then walked past my manager with puke in my hair. Man, I'm gonna miss this when I get a real job.
I know shes my ex. And I know she punched me in the face and stole my car to go get drunk. But it's the best sex I've ever had.
You're sick. Take pictures if you can.
Blacked out last night, but left myself a note that said "oops on oops on oops" that can never be a positive
there's still three solo cups of your puke in my basement. so that needs to be solved at some point.
He asked us to wake him up with a strobe light. We had it going in front of his face full power for half and hour and he didn't even blink.
Well the weed wore off around 10:30 and then the date dragged on until about 1 in the morning. So I've decided I really need to start smoking closer to the actual start time of a date. Then maybe they'd be more bearable.
You don't know commitment until you try and waterproof a non-waterproof vibrator
am i new drunk or am i still drunk
Naw man, if he's crazy enough to jerk off on a public bus he's too crazy for me to fuck with
She said she hasn't cheated on me in 7 and a half days and she'd like praise for that.
Do you ever look at your life and go "i'm too sober for this bullshit"?
Every day of my life.
Randomize
