i found the vodka. it was hiding in the orange juice.
first i yelled "you cant get it up?" and then in the middle of it i opened a Corona
She threw up everywhere and is crying about a fictional character who died on Grey's Anatomy
So you threw a sword at me last night
I honestly wish I could say that I was surprised.
My brother just put in eyedrops to talk to my mom on the phone
Front seat of an Escalade in a limo-service parking lot. That is all.
I just sold my hat for three car bombs. I call that a win.
They are stoned and trying to learn sign language together. It's like watching a chimp waving at itself in a mirror.
btw you left your chapstick on the nightstand and bruises on my body...
gifts from me to you. you're welcome.
Just left a strip club where they let me on stage to teach them tricks. Time of my life!
My mom is currently out with her lesbian friends and I'm home alone drunk listening to the Les Miserables soundtrack. WHY DO I FEEL THE NEED TO COMPETE WITH HER?
I seriously had alll four of your knuckles bruised into my arm
I'm trying to make sure he doesn't drown in the toilet. Because I'm a nice lady.
Are you missing a tooth after last night? Because I found one in my coat pocket...along with what smells like dried jäger and a package of deer jerky.
Uh not that I recall.
Oh wait nvm. It's mine. Yeup, definitely my tooth.
He can be a kind, caring soul but also give in to the temptation of eating unicorn ass.
Randomize
