its amazing how hard it is to tell vomit from stuffing the day after
just heard some guy walking down the street say "butt sex in the sun"
go get him tiger.
I wasted my skinny years on you. The least you can do is high five me at the bar
Just watched a fat girl on a scooter run into the back of a bus head first
You are the luckiest man alive
she wrote "need hug!" on a sticky note, put it on her back, and passed out on his bed. they're trying to figure out how she got into his room...
I woke up covered in blue paint and my knee bleeding, when I went to return the shopping cart the guy in the elevator laughed hysterically. I'm having a good morning.
you know...the drug dealer i named my baby after.
It's only 10 in the morning...josh is already on the way to the ER for trying to shotgun a beer with a sparklers sticking out of it on fire.
She gave such good road head it was turned into side-of-the-road head for everyone's safety
future-me showed up mid trip and gave us a thumbs up.
It is 9pm, let the ass parade to the bars begin
I don't care that you had sex on my bed. I care that you used my lollipop condom. I was saving that for a special occasion
It was a special occasion. Your best friend had crazy awesome sex on your bed. Thank you
Today's walk of shame includes last nights hair and make up, an 8 hour shift, me leading a meeting and me throwing up in a parking lot on my way to work. Dear world, you're welcome.
so this maintenance guy stood at the corner of my cubical and scratched his balls for like a full minute cause he thought no one could see him
its like i just tried to scrub the hangover off of me.
Randomize
