3:47a: I take it you're not on your way over
Todays outfit involves shorts with embroidered fish. This kids gonna die.
There is an old man sitting across from me. Phone rang and his ringtone is children giggling, I'm not safe here.
Do you think most people who work at an airport Chili's can pin point where their lives went wrong?
Went to my car this morning. Found a waffle from Waffle House in the front seat. No idea how it got there. So hung over I ate it.
i have my graded calc test (94%) sitting on my empty case of beer next to my desk. this is me winning at college.
For my job application I just put "community gardener- personal business" for my previous work experience in place of the neighborhood pot grower/distributor
He tried to write down the address for the cab on half a bagel.
Faces of meth called, they want their look back.
And we're now at 8 people from the office coming to my desk to ask me "do you feel better?".
I just messaged a senior at Harvard and told him to 'tinder me softly'
So then we ended up at a bar full of navy SEALs and I got one of them to take his shirt off, then I felt him up
I feel like 31-year old me is 21-year old me's hero
so he's a sleeptalker.
yeah??
"Mitochondria is the powerhouse of the cell" right in my ear. 2 am.
Please tell me I did not drink enough whiskey to think that having sex with my boyfriend while his best friend was on the floor next to us was a good idea.
I need an outfit that says "thanks for hiring me" but also says "i want dick in my mouth".
Randomize
