my mom just found my bong and asked what it was. I told her it was a hookah
and she bought it?!?
yeah...but her friends at work told her hookah was fun and now she wants to smoke it with me...im thinkin yes
She went into the basement and sang to my cat for three hours....she actually has a beautiful voice....
We didn't have sex but he is somehow naked and laying on top of me. his dick is touching my leg and freaking me the fuck out.
You need to fuck him. The man has his own Wikipedia.
Night just started and I've already seen a woman headbutt a brick wall. Unintentionally. Epic to say the least
If your mother gets up on the bar again, I will. The bouncer already had a talk with her earlier.
Beer acquired. Food is cooking
Wow, you are almost sliding into home plate for some stellar fellatio
Fun holiday story for you: Alex and I went out drinking. She left. I needed a ride home. Met this dude and told him to drive my car back. Once at my house, I made him take out my dog and then apologized for not wanting to make out with him. I said, let me go see if my roommate is interested and then I slept in Alex's bed all night.
20 bucks says he was an actual leprechaun
Dude I'm driving around California right now hiding little bags of weed in random places like Easter eggs so that I can come back and find them later
If he can't cook well I'm just gonna buy a RealDoll and twenty cats and live my own fucking life
Got a snapchat from Megan last night showing you sobbing about a burrito on the floor with Dan in the background trying not to laugh his ass off
Just in case you blacked out, we had sex, you came in me, we need plan B, we fell off your top bunk, broke your roommates chair, i still like you, but i'm in pain and am going to bed
The night took a wrong turn after I found you smoking a blunt with a midget behind the bar...
I'm too hungover to Google him and try to save face.
And now Google thinks I have a hard hat fetish...maybe I do...
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