I'm pretty hammered, I'll elaborate tomorrow
I'm too scared of my Fleshlight to even use it anyway.
Dude someone changed all the contacts in my phone to I Like Eggs
.....so he has a son. Josh. That is not his roommate
Made it home ok. Only got hit by one car.
To do list: put blue gatorade in a windex spray bottle. spray it into my mouth in public so people think i'm drinking windex.
Maybe I don't remember every single thing... I think there's a hi lighter treasure map drawn on my arm...
I just found it. I hope it leads to food.
There are eight sets of guys I've made out with who have the same name. It's like noah's ark in my mouth.
I've counted 3,503 loops of fabric on my carpet so far. FUCK YOU ACID!!!
I can't find a song to express how gay I'm feeling.
He's drunk and I'm pain-killer high and we're about to watch fireworks at disney world. It's gonna be fucking magical
Is "You've never made me cum." an acceptable breakup line?
How drunk is too drunk to be on an airplane?
Hey, don't blame me for the shitty evening; I wasn't the one who promised hookers, Dos Equis and foster kittens. Keith was.
Doing shots with my high school valedictorian. Bucket list
Randomize
