She has HUUUUUUUGE nipples
highlight from tonight: i hit on her and her mother.
you asked the guy at 7-11 if he remembered when you came in and threw news paper every where... then you did it again
i finished masturbating and realized my blackberry had accidentaly called my grandmother in my pocket during it. awkward...
Dude. Muppets take manhattan on netflix instant. Pass my midterm or relive my childhood? Tough decision.
I'm pretty sure he's lost all respect for me. it probably happened somewhere around the time i had officially slept with every single one of his friends..
Then he said something about how from that angle I looked just like his mom.
Who am I sleeping next to in your bed? Where are you? Also when are you coming home... I need coffee.
You don't understand. There's baclava and there's post sex baclava. You can't compare the two.
Imma need a double jack on the rocks and a BJowsky from the hot bartender.
Yes I said BJOWSKY. Pronounced "buh jow skii".
From what I heard you ordered him to lick your balls. Unless you've kept a huge secret I understand his confusion.
I'm sexting with a 20 year old that has a foot fetish... This is what Sailor Jerry drives me to do.
Is it bad when I wake up sore & don't know if my injuries are from sex or the mechanical bull at the bar?
this is a mass text: the cage has been opened. repeat, the cage has been opened. a search party will be organized. you are all sloppy bitches. that is all.
I dont know who to turn my two weeks notice into so I'm just going to get hammered at work and see who fires me.
Randomize
