Um....I woke up to a lipgloss covered bottle of Jack daniels in my arms..
You've kissed worse.
TRUE LIFE: my roommate is growing a bush.
better yet, TRUE LIFE: my roommates boyfriend begged her to grow a bush.
Fuck winter. I had to scrape my windshield, shoeless, after the walk of shame so I could go home.
idk but i have you stored in my phone as 'guy with beard doing body shots'
We did naked snow angels in 14 degree weather, you can't tell me you had more liquor at that party
She broke up with him yesterday after she cheated on him. He's going a bachelor party next weekend. How has Homeland Security not raised the threat level?
Woaahhhh there! We are JUST drunk fucking. Don't call me "baby".
I have no idea what to do about this. He has a power over me and I think its called his tongue.
Well, during the ride home I had to personally apologize to both of her breasts.
OK BUT WHO THE FUCK FORGTS A LIVE CHICKEN IN MY HOUSE
Ordered a pizza stoned. The guy handed me my pizza and I tried to pay him by handing him back the pizza.
I don't remember much, but I remember he called me the dick whisperer, so it must not have been all bad.
Dude chill patience is a virtue.
WHY DOES PATIENCE HAVE TO BE A VIRTUE, WHY CAN'T HURRY THE FUCK UP BE A VIRTUE?
Let me atleast have my coffee before you start talking about your penis
Nothing much. Just taking shots of tequila before I go get a bikkini wax. You?
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