Dude, I woke up at my ex's house. I am spooning her half naked roommate. There is a pizza on my shoulder. I need you to come pick me up.
U Should have said " it's ok baby most girls Sh*t when I do that.
sexting loses it's worth when you accidentally text your boss.
he was persistant. I supposedly owe him a bj from high school.
I've been practicing for you. Including stockpiling medical supplies for curing hangovers.
Welp. I just hopped out of his window to avoid meeting his parents... happy monday!
I jumped on his cock in 2 seconds flat. Thanks mom for sending me to gymnastics when I was a kid.
i mean, i offered you kinky, jungle themed sex. i don't know what else you want from me
Life just isn't the same without him waking me up at 4 in the afternoon with a look of pity on his face...
Can I borrow you for, like, thirty minutes so you can lay on one boob and rub the other until I fall asleep?
He fucks like those drill things that you see when you think of texas
He has a bathrroom scale in his room with an alarm attached to it so anything over 150 sets it off and in his drinking stupper he can make a run for it.
Also I can show up hungover, fall asleep at my desk, and smell like a bottle of whiskey, and they still like me more then my shitty co worker
Crying while I'm pooping. I think this is rock bottom
It's not even 7 yet. She's singing you are my sunshine to the smirnoff bottle.
Randomize
