im shaking like a drug addict and i almost just shat my pants when i sneezed...no more patron for me
Registered for next semester classes drunk. Let's hope I didn't accidently sign up for history of dinosaurs again...
I fucked my boyfriend 15 minutes before my pap test. My gyno probably thinks I hate her.
I just bedazzled my weight watchers points calculator. You can tell I'm gay.
im probably shirtless right now with a bottle of jack watching horton hears a who. this is a judgement free zone.
i gave her a can of corn and told her the cabs are accepting non perishable food items over the holidays. blatant lie and she lives like $40 away
Old lady caught me peeing in the street and yelled at me and said "I REBUKE YOU"
If you can get laid in a rudolph onesie you are doing something right my friend.
I told the guy that if he didn't put enough pepperoni to earn the name " pepperoni feast", that I was gonna sue him for all he had. Believe it or not, that's all I remember.
Almost to my house to grab beer. And pants.
Shit on my own feet while puking from my hangover. Is this what 33 is supposed to be like?
Why does fireball set life on fire? Your insides, your head, your behavior...
Pretty penis doesn't make up for awkward eye contact.
Is it a bad thing when vodka doesn't taste like vodka anymore?
Point in my hangover when I'm honestly not sure if I'm about to puke, or shit my pants.
Randomize
