I went to blockbuster, where I always go when I need to soul searching
Despondent, hopeless, I decide on vantage point, because I vaguely resemble matthew fox (let me believe this, please)
It was cheaper to buy then rent, so now I'm stuck w/ a wretched hangover and I own this shit movie
im in an endless cycle of being too hung over to eat all day...then getting too drunk because i didnt eat anything. where is my life going?
not allowed to tweet this cos she's following me but i definitely just got head in a stairwell of the university of chicago. wanted you all to know.
i'm pretty sure i lost all sex appeal when he caught me peeing in his bushes
I cannot believe we're comparing my vagina to Mary Poppins and a black hole.
It's like god made him fantastic at oral to make up for what his mouth does the rest of the time.
Sometimes I love sober logical me. She makes rare appearances but when she does she shines.
Yeah I had this grand plan to bring flaming dr pepper shots to some girls and say "these shots are hot, but not as hot as you" but instead I lit the bar on fire
So I'm about to drive his drunk ass home and he spits on my car. Before I can say, "Dude, what the fuck?!", he puts his finger to my lips and goes "shhh, its in the past."
If you set your screensaver to be a slides show, make sure you remove dick pics first. This lesson 1 of living with your great aunt
Dead. I am actually dead. Also, worst nightmare confirmed: throwing up in a four hundred person lecture.
Worse. He's Mormon. At least a gay guy will go get drinks with me.
just ran into my drill sergeant from basic 4 years ago. gonna take him home and have him fuck me at the cadence of quick time.
That awkward moment when your drug dealer pulls your boss out of the snow
Hey do you care to explain why there are 3 empty pickle jars next to me when I woke up or do I even wanna know?
Randomize