i wanna stay in my bed and fart for a few more hours
I want a gay best friend. or apple sauce either one is fine with me
She slept with 4 other guys since we went on a break. And her ex. But apparently she hasn't given any bjs out of respect for me. Why does that comfort me?!
He considered it romantic when he told me mid-blow job that no matter what happens, he will "never forget how good of a dick I suck". Verbatim.
Two bottles of champagne and half a pizza later, I'm crying myself to tears watching The Nanny. Happy finals week.
I was a battlefield of empty bottles and bodies. We though we won, but the booze had the last laugh.
i could have been the DD. this is ridiculous. i'm the most sober and getting the least ass.
We used a snorkel as a funnel. Can you say desperate?
It's like your nipple is comforting my nipple.
But in defense of this shit summer we've had, I totally perfected my shotgunning skills. I have achieved my summer goal.
There is a 97.5% chance that my sketchy roommate is also a hooker.
So when can I meet her?
She kept calling herself DJ McDonalds and said she wanted to make some Egg McMusic.
You just want me for my pizza coupons and my penis.
He was all “please don’t bail because I’m missing work for this” last night
Honey no, I need dick. I’m not going to bail
Yeah but now he has a wife. It’s going to be different this year
So what. We’ve banged every Thanksgiving since high school. She just has to understand it’s a holiday tradition
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