Everything went well, until I walked into his bedroom and there was a Ronald Reagan poster watching over his bed - creepy
we were exchanging secrets last night... she told me about how she put markers in her vaj in middle school. found a keeper.
I just saw a woman point to her daughter and scream at her husband THIS IS YOUR GENES, THIS IS YOU.
My brother brings gifts into my room to wrap them. It's a pizza cutter and a box of condoms..
Mom just apologized for her lack of a gag reflex not being genetic.
M WATCHING THE HISTORY CHANNEL AND IT SAID THAT WHEN THE LUST PART OF THE BRAIN IS ACTIVATED THE JUDGEMENT PART IS NOT. THIS EXPLAINS SO MUCH.
Did I crawl through the hotel lobby all the way to our room?
Things i learned at work today: do not put mayonaise on a tattoo, it will get infected.
Literally too hungover to clean. I'll get the frosting off the table tomorrow, ok?
You were so high that you only FaceTimed me so that you could stare into your own eyes and not actually say anything
I've woke up with the same hoodie on backwards, twice this week. I think that's a record
And he's a cuddle champ. I know because I slept over because I don't know what boundaries are.
It feels so wrong having a picture of my tits next to a picture of my daughter.
dont you DARE use my tequila influenced words against me
I think it's time for tequila and I to go our separate ways
Randomize
