do you know why "how to shave your balls" is bookmarked on my computer?
I wouldn't necessarily call it an addiction, more of a passion. I'm habitually passionate.
I just delivered a ham and cheese to a strip club. you were right this job is not that bad
Did someone do a keg stand in my bathtub?
Sorry if I put you in that 'glad we're hanging out but I'm gonna go fuck your cousin' kind of position
I don't think anybody else enjoys making out with multiple guys on the same night as much as I do. I'm like a wine taster but with lips... it's like art to me. The bruise on my upper lip is proof of it
Is it weird that I Facebook creep hot people from their credit card receipts?
Being single for so long makes me fucking creepy.
I will no longer accept nudes from you because I met your boyfriend last night and he seems like a nice guy
WEED IS MY SPIRIT ANIMAL
That one probably shouldn't have been in caps
We were kinda loud so his roommate woke up and to make up for it he invited him to a threesome. I can't drink whiskey anymore.
If you could come do me into like a 12 hour coma that'd be great
Apparently his version of saying "I'm Sorry" is streaking around our apartment building then asking for a blow job.....
just learned i can hear my fish chewing his food WHILE HES IN HIS BOWL. im going to have to call you back.
I swam, I rode a bicycle, I rode a horse, I danced. It was like a real life tampon advert.
I met up with trey last night. He whispered in my ear "I love you" then raised his voice and said "but not in a I want to marry you kind of way, but if you died I would cry."
Randomize
