I called you to phone bone last night, but you were out with your boring friends playing video games
he was wearing sponge bob boxers. Guess how long he lasted.
Who's your beautiful friend? Please include the words "Straight", "Single", and "Legal" in your response.
CAN CRIS ANGEL JUST LOOK NORMAL FOR ONCE?!
ugly people sure do ruin things
Dude a guy just showed up with alcohol and a bag of double cheese burgers. I think I found my future husband.
We found her naked passed out on the bathroom floor. She didn't even make it to the shower. She was clutching the bathroom rug.
And you will no longer be getting a thank you note from my vagina
Drunk at work, covered in Cheetos is no way to go through life.
I found Cheetos.
Who breaks their ankle the day before a beach wedding? This guy. Maybe this is karma for fucking someone's wife? Idk.
My mom just walked in on me naked taking a shit and packing a bowl...the only comment she makes is, she wants her Tupperware back after my pot's out of it. Best mom ever.
The hotel had a helipad. Of course we had sex on it.
Hey I need you to run the morning meeting, for reasons I can explain when I find out where I left my car
Her blowjob technique? Picture someone attempting to drink a triple thick milkshake through a Capri Sun straw.
She's not allowed to do acid anymore... she started crying because she thought she was an eagle.
Randomize
