There is a man on the balcony beside me who claims he is a triceratops. He roared and asked me for a cigarette, telling me he'd eat me if I refused. I love college.
They are baked and once again have spent the last 45 mins talking about opening up a world wide business called "pickle on a stick"
Is percocet and coffee considered a balanced breakfast?
No, you don't understand. If the words "stop," "alcohol poisoning," and "regret" aren't in the same sentence by the end of the night, I will have failed this birthday.
BURNT NIPPLES ARE UNHAPPY NIPPLES.
You were so drunk last night you left the bar to go buy a razor so you could go home with him
Nothing says love like couples STD testing
Nothing says breakup like the results
why does CNN give a flying $@*# about the royal baby so, so much?
i hope they name him Joffrey
My doctor was like "I think adderall is a great choice. It'll definitely benefit you and you say you've taken it before so you'll be fine!" \nAnd I was like "yeah bro, totally"
If i'm forever fucked up in this state of mind then I'm going to kill him for this
He wants to make me arch my back "like I'm having an exorcism". Not sure if I'm turned on or freaked out.
Just had to stop myself from doing a bump on the Disney bus. The struggle is real.
Tell me why i have 60 matches in 72 hours on tinder. Can i sell my tinder account like people used to sell their myspace pages and tumblrs when they had a lot of followers? Is that a thing?
I didn't even get crazy off of the coke so everything's fine. Also, I think I might have killed my aunt's dog..
Hey bring in backup. its going to take a lot more beer than we think to fill up the water bed...
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