His stupid grin looks like he's mid-ejaculation
i just stumbled downstairs, still drunk, to hug my dad and wish him a happy fathers day
but fathers day is next sunday
i realized that after i threw up on his bare feet
If I've learned one thing today? Blow jobs get you to state championships.
Alright. Who did it? Who's bangin' the ump?
ya and he came three minutes into it because he didnt have sex all summer
oh that makes more sense i knew you arent that good
the only reason i even kissed her was because we were having sex when it midnight, and i heard people yelling "happy new year."
So the "just a friend" kid confessed his love for me...sometimes I hate how awesome I am.
You probably don't remember. You were drunk and getting your tits drummed on like haitian bongos in a voodoo ritual.
I'm concerned I'll look like a hooker on new years eve in this outfit
There are different standards on new years eve. To look like a hooker you literally need to be giving a guy head on the street while he's handing you cash.
There has to be a way to make college graduation in Las Vegas different than any other Tuesday in Las Vegas. Strippers? Been there. Getting arrested for public indecency on the strip? Done that.
He never broke character while fucking me on the neighbor's lawn. I give him a 10 for his dedication to the British accent.
drunk freshman in the bathroom puking keeps saying "i'm a peasant" over and over
It wasn't a mystery that it was the pizza cooking in the oven when we stumbled out of the bedroom in a smoke filled apartment at 2am. We are dangerous drunks
Also. After puking outside of the bar last night, some guy (who saw me puking) said I looked like Jennifer Lawrence, called me J Law, got my number and is now texting me. Who knew puking and rallying would do me any good
Welp, no use in crying over spilt milk. I can't unbang her.
She was blowing air into green onions and tying knots in them to make "balloons"
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