Just woke up wearing a top hat and simpsons boxers. i also found more money in my wallet then what i had before going out, about $1000 more
and then he said he has been waiting since high school to touch my boobs
Please know that I fully expect you to help me steal a bed if I have a bad breakup.
there are some nice people on this island. free ride free pancakes and they even prayed for us when they dropped us off
As the guy I'm having sex with on the side I shouldn't ask you how to dump my boyfriend. But you are the most emotionally detached person I know.
Getting cock-blocked by Jeff Bridges. NOT OKAY.
When I said to shut up, I meant it. I'm sorry you have a bald spot now, but it was necessary.
Bad news. I baked you a cake and one of my fingernails is missing.
dreams really do come true on the roof and drinking again
Math equation of the day: 4 waffles + 1 bowl of weed = 1 terrific nap
Watching the wiggles while tripping on acid is the scariest fucking thing of all time
The doctor said that if they accidentally damage my nerve endings I could permanently lose feeling in my lower jaw.. Honestly the first thing that came to mind was how that would affect my blowjob skills.
I need to be her Aladdin, and show her the world. The sex world.
it's unicorns you uncultured swine
We made a blanket fort in my dorm room and fucked in it. Twice. I'm in love.
Randomize
