you shoved the noah's ark of animal crakers in your mouth saturday.
at a bonfire and someone threw a plastic cup in the fire. everyone immediately stopped what they were doing to yell collectively at him about what he was doing to the environment, then went back to drinking
only in oregon
You told my mother that her salad dressing tasted like semen.
you know you've made it when it's your own pool table you're waking up on
Found out why I didn't have to go drug test. My boss grew pot to pay for grad school.
Thank God I didn't lose my virginity to that asshole. That woulda been like winnin a raffle ticket for a free bag of dog shit. But with like a really pretty bag. A pretty bag full of dog shit.
so far, I've observed him try to hit on 3 girls, 1 guy and a bar stool. Humanity is amazing from a sober point of view.
Hey dude this is some next level no homo shit but im gonna get 2 tickets to the opera and go Hail Mary on this one girl. U take the extra ticket if i fail.
We've given up. My vagina is tired of constant lonely nights and disappointments. This is our retirement.
Sorry. Not doing life today. Love to. But can't.
So now I can cross "have my ass be someone's phone background" off the bucket list. You know, if it was something I actually had wanted to happen.
I think my pussy is going to freeze to the ground
I found a used condom in my purse this morning. It was in there with a bunch of smushed french fries.
I just fuked with kevins application and made it say that he does conjugal visits for community service
hey some people donate their time while apparently kevin donates his body
I'm bringing pajamas, aspirin, morning after clothes and morning after pill
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