Every night before bed, when I used to say prayers, now I just think to myself 'freshman sluts. Soon'
Only in college do people pre-game a meteor shower
My valentine's day: watching The Notebook, and porn, eating chocolate, and ice cream. All while jacking off.
Wow... you've managed to cover all of the sad girl stereotypes that exist.
How did you steal an entire pie?
I don't know. It's in my purse.
i forgot beer had calories. that would explain alot.
My roomate asked me why she found condoms in the pringles container. I don't know what to tell her
You never cared about felonies while buying me alcohol from the little Asian woman across the street
For once I want to have sex without having to google the after effects of it.
I bruised my dick hopping over that fence last night
We are no longer allowed to have pre 4th party week. I woke up with a donut stuck to my face and 'MILF' written in black marker on my stomach.
Mother of the Year
Someone is giving away free yogurt on craigslist. Can I get a ride?
Yeah you'd pretty much be ruined if you broke up with a guy like that and then had to return to the dating pool
I am drunk at 8am listening to Cyndi Lauper and dressed up in a penguin suit
He sent me a snap with the dog tongue filter. I might have to bench him.
I love you even if you are fucked up. If you fall, i'll just get on top of you.
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