I'm naming my child veloci raptor. And you can be a part of its life if you want. But that's its name. Cause i have the vagina.
I think i lit a firework with a joint. happy birthday, america?
He barely got in the door before she began to shriek like a banshee and punch him. His rainbow wig is still hanging from the front porch as a "warning to all other clowns".
I just found my "random bang list for summer of 2012" that I wrote last night.. It's written on a Plan B receipt. If this isn't irony I don't know what is.
That's what I love about being a lesbian. My roommate's boyfriend watched her finger me and then he made me pancakes in the morning. AND THEN HE LEFT.
I'm done being drunk I wish I could snap my fingers and be sober
I never thought I would have to put a band-aid on my penis.
Maybe you can just make seal noises during sex and we can call it good
he appreciated my fucking vagina for two hours he can appreciate my honesty
I'll have a whole suitcase of emergency bacon with me obviously
I mean seriously with your cock and my tits combined we could rule the world. Pinky and the brain style
OMG LOOK AT THAT PIECE OF MAN
I haven’t trained for this.
Turns out your granddad is cooler than you. We're taking him on our New year's eve pub crawl instead. Sorry.
I was puking for like ten minutes when I realized my parents were fucking in the shower and were afraid to come out
IT WAS A FUCKING ELEPHANT I SWESR!!!!!
Nathan, I haven't spoken to you in 12 years and it's 6am. Kindly fuck off.
Randomize
